i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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