and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
