I can tuck mytits in my pants
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
