Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
