So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I checked into jail on foursquare
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
