Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
