she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
