im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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