My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
