yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
