when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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