After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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