In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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