mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.