Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.