i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.