Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.