I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?