I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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