Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
