So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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