okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
