shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
