i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
