FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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