I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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