when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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