Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
