You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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