i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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