I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
