ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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