when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
