We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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