Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize