Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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