hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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