BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
