So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
