I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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