he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
