Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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