i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
