Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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