Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
