Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
