can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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