Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
