I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
