I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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