So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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