So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
