Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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