I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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