you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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