seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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