11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
