fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask